"I know awhile back when I was riding the bus from the Bazar you spoke to me. I love riding the bus because there's something about the simplicity of it and of the people that take the bus that I love. I feel comfortable with them. While looking out the window at the suns beaming rays that shone powerfully through the big fluffy white clouds, I asked you gently where you want me. I heard almost instantly and very clearly that I was right where you wanted me, in your will. A smile creeped on my face because during the times when I know I have clearly heard your voice, I feel the most peace and everything for that moment is perfect. When you spoke to me that day, life was good. I was feeling content with the unknown. I was seeing your hand at work in my friends lives. I was seeing my friend start to open her ears to what you wanted them to hear, and you were using me to share this with her. The culture here felt like home, a safe place in obedience to you. Your word brings life when I read it, but during that season, I could feel it penetrate to my bones, and I wanted more! I was motivated and excited. I felt the power of the Holy Spirit at work in me and was exceptionally excited about life and confident in myself because of the promises and truth you had been revealing to about yourself and the power of your Holy Spirit living in me…."
I have realized over the past three weeks during this downward spiral into a different season of being dry spiritually and feeling like I haven't been nourishing myself in the word, that there are things that happen that put me in these funks, and I all them slowly creep in happen more and more.
I may have mentioned this before, but when a couple of ladies came to TheStan and put on a women's retreat for expats, one of the ladies talked about her funks she gets in and she finds herself in them when she wants to watch movies all the time, or sits on Facebook wasting time. I was talking about this with another girl who went to the retreat as well. I told her that the last few weeks have been dry and its hard to get out of this season because I see this horrible habit forming of constantly being online, watching T.V. series and movies or just sleeping and not being motivated at all to read a good book, open the bible or get my work done. I feel like theres a weight on my arms that gets heavier every time I try to overcome it with even simple tasks. My friend asked me what is the cause of this. Are these unmotivated actions the symptoms or the cause of what is going on? I was really thankful she asked me this. It has made me pay closer attention to the things that set me off during this dry season, and look back to where it started.
I don't blame it fully on the enemy but I remember the day when I could feel him at work again. I had spent the night before with one of my closest friends and I was able to share with her about the gift I have been giving from God's Son. We walked through so many truths and stories, and she listened. I have been here for some time now, and the other worker who was with me that night has been here even longer, and neither of us have ever had one of our friends listen the way my friend did that night. It was incredible!
Then, just the next day I was feeling defeated with some of the stomach problems I have been having. I took a good chunk of time off of eating certain foods, and kept a log of what I was feeling, when I felt it and what I ate that day. This particular day, my stomach was in terrible pains. The nurse on our team looked up a few possibilities, and while she read the one possibility to me, I just cried. I was so sick of being in pain and not knowing the reason behind it, but also fearful of what the rest of my life could look like due to these possibilities. I had been frustrated before, but knew that God was faithful, in control, had a plan and until I saw a doctor, nothing was certain anyways.
But not this day. Just frustrated and overwhelmed with emotion that left me feeling like a helpless little girl.
I soaked in my self pity that day, promising myself that I could have one day to feel frustrated, but I had to keep on with life after that. I did not want this to get the best of me. That same day we talked in the Jonah study I was apart of about the enemy wanting to distract us from our work, and he will use anything to do that. I thought about this things that distracted me during the last dry season I was in, and that was mostly the future and school. The oppression came in ways I didn't' expect it. I could see this frustration with my health becoming something like a distraction, and now processing and looking back on when this funk might have started..I think it started then.
Even though it was for a little while, I took my eyes off Jesus and fixed them on my problem. I let myself be in self pity and the enemy is always on the prowl. Then, the symptoms started to kick in, which then, adds to the cause of these low times till the glass isn't as full as it was. I also see myself getting annoyed really fast at my roommates, or being overly sensitive to things people are saying around me. My true colors start to show as I try to rely on my own strength and on the One above. A huge thing that gets me every time is thoughts about the future. something I always worry about, but I never end up having much of a say in anyways because God has always directed my paths so clearly and informed me of what is next when His timing is right. I have spent the last two days more focused on what School I might go to rather than my friends and work that is in front of me now.
"…Those truths about having the same power living in me that rose your son from the grave.You are the one and only almighty God, and I know you allow me to go through these seasons to be stretched and to grow deeper in your truths. Lord, I am exhausted. During these times it feels like sandpaper on my soul. I know you are Faithful cause I continue to see you at work in and around me. I know you are gracious and compassionate. I know you are the great Shepherd who guides His flocks, and makes them lie down in green grass near still waters. Because of your love for me, I will lean into you. I will turn my eyes back onto you, and give my worries to you 'cause I know you care for me. Thank you Lord for your promise that by putting my hope in You, you will renew my strength, and I will soar on wings like eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint."
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