So I need to be honest with myself here, I live in the desert. It's hot, I'm away from my family and everything that is familiar to me, there is something about being overseas that takes hours longer to get anything done, there is almost no visible fruit from the work I am trying to do here, I have been sick with stomach problems more times than I can count, and you would think that by now I would be used to the food I'm eating. Basically, I need to be leaning hard into God, but there are times when I honestly don't feel like it. Laziness and giving into my flesh of wanting to just watch movies all the time and sleeping seems more life giving, cause my bible weighs a thousand pounds.
This is how I have been feeling so far this summer.
For two weeks during June we had a great team of guys come from New Jersey to help us run our kids camp. I was looking forward to this because I love kids. but the kids here are SO hard to work with. There is no discipline in this culture, and to run a kids camp for 2 hours every on top of teaching and everything else we do, I was exhausted.
I got really sick at the beginning of the second week. I threw up, but the real issue was really bad congestion in my chest. Because I was sick at the end of May and didn't take it easy I made it worse, so this time I really wanted to lay low and try to feel better. My head heard, I couldn't take deep breaths properly, so I slept a lot and stayed in bed. This also sucked cause I wanted to help with kids camp, but I had no energy. I had so much time to be reading the word and listening in stillness for what He could be teaching me, but instead movies and sleep took up my time. I tried a couple days that week to suck it up and help with the camp or coffee shop, but that was a terrible idea. Last week I had a fever of about 103 and it wouldn't break. I stayed a couple nights at Stacy's cause she is an amazing nurse, but it took forever to get over this. On top of being sick physically, I have been in such a dry place spiritually and until now I haven't wanted to admit it.
I think I am at war within myself. I want to know what I'm supposed to do after this year. I want to stay till May, but what is after that? Time is going by so fast and I don't know what school to go to, what to go to school for and what the right thing for me to do is. I want to make a difference, but here I am on the other side of the world were 90 some percent of the people in this region don't know truth, and all I can think about is what is coming after this? Have I not learned yet that He will reveal that to me? Have I not learned that it is better to live for this season and to give my everything for His kingdom where I am?
I could go on and on with all the things that have been going on in my head, but bottom line I feel stuck. I can feel His presence cause He promised me He would never leave me, and also cause that's what I was asking that people would be praying for me. But, I don't feel like I can get out of this rut. I know a lot of it is because I don't even want to pick up the Bible, and praying is hard to cause I know He's going to tell me to read His word and to draw close to Him, but my stubbornness right now doesn't really want to.
I know this is not the most encouraging message right now, but it's honest for where I am at.
