March 11th, 2011 I got home from spending a little less than six months down under. (Read the blogs below about that experience.) I left New Zealand with the option to return in the fall and commit to nine months working with Capernwray's out door adventure program- ABS. I worked two jobs that spring in hopes to save enough to be able to get myself back there by September. When I returned my sister and brother in law encouraged to make sure this was the direction God was leading me in for this next season of my life. They supported me with whatever I would decide and knew the work I would be doing in NZED was awesome, but were having mixed feelings for me to head back there. That spring consisted of working and just waiting on the Lord to reveal to me what His plan was for me. I felt content to just pray and work to see what it could be. For the first time in a long time I hadn't felt stressed about the unknown.
End of May 2011: During my time with the Lord one Sunday morning, I asked that God would speak to me through the message that day..I didn't ask for any clear answers, but for direction of what the next year could look like for me. Little did I know what the message that morning was about. They showed videos that morning on the history of workers in other countries, and it was interesting but my mind was in a billion places. I almost left early to go get things ready for mothers day, when I remembered what I had asked God that morning. I knew He could use ANY message to speak to me, so I waited. At the end of the videos, Josh Mann got up to share a few things and the only thing I really remember from that is that "God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things." At that moment a well broke inside of me. Jeff brown lead us in worship after that and I was SOBBING. I'm sure most of you know that I am a pretty passionate person which can mean strong emotions quite regularly, but this was a pretty intense bawl fest. The rest of the service was me begging God to use me. It was like as soon as Josh had said that He'll use ordinary people..and insecurities I had had about being used for His glory were brought to surface and He was ready to prove me wrong once again. After crying my face off so much that I couldn't even sing it was so intense, I went and talked to Jeff Brown and told Him that I don't know what it looks like..but I know that I'm supposed to GO. At that point it could be New Zealand and that could be my open door to more overseas work, or something through the Alliance, I just knew I HAD TO GO! I thanked him for using his gifts to lead us to the throne in worship. He prayed for me, and the thing I remember Him praying for was that that day would mark the beginning of the next journey I would be on. I thanked him, but thought to myself, "maybe I'm just being super emotional and this is nothing...like I'll go back to work and this day will be forgotten.
I worked that night at Jamba juice-I had to close the store which means at least 2 hours by myself cleaning and making smoothies. I had a lot of time to think and texted a few people to be praying hard for me. I also felt a few attacks that night from the enemy. On my way home from work it was a pretty strong attack I was feeling so I pulled into my friends house who lived on the way home and I told her everything that had happened that day and she started crying. Kaari is not as much of a crier like I am, but she prayed for me and told me not to take this lightly. She had great words of encouragement about listening to God and how she likes how willing I am to stop everything to listen and obey. I felt peace about taking these next steps even though I had NOOO idea what those steps looked like..and I was a little freaked.
That next Sunday service was moving again as well. I sat next to one of my best friends Ben who has been apart of YWAM and shares the same desire to do this kind of work. I told him part way through the service that if they say anything that week about feeling lead to go, or needing people for this kind of work..that I couldn't ignore it, I would have to go. A couple spoke about work they were doing over seas and at the end of the interview they were asked how we can help them out. The response was urgent: "WE NEED MORE PEOPLE!" You can only guess my reaction to that response. Tears. That week they also prayed for my friend Scott who I have done lots of volunteer work with through the Youth department, and he was getting ready to head overseas as well. I talked to him after the service and asked about his story..how he decided to go. His story was INCREDIBLE. Like doors flung open left and right, only God could have gotten Him to do something like this. I didn't tell him the tugs I had been having on my heart. But he said something to Ben that struck me and made me a little mad and confused, but I kept it to myself. He reminded Ben of the importance of school and getting a college education..which is totally legit. Thats not what made me discouraged...it was that I felt like I was being told to apply for a position that I had no schooling to do, nor did I feel lead to go to school for this season of life. So I asked God why he had put something so heavy on my heart to do...then to tell me I had to go to school first..but I'm not supposed to do school right now???
I took that Tuesday off of work to rest, talk with my parents, pray and fast! The morning I spent in tears processing a lot of angers and frustrations out loud with my mom. Then the afternoon was spent with doing the same with my Dad and then at least two hours in the upper room with God. It was awesome! I then ended the fast with a delicious meal made by my best friends Kim and Krista who I worked with about 45 minutes outside of Salem, So I went to stay with them for 2 nights and work in Canby. My job those next two days allowed me to listen to speakers on my iPod and talk to God. By the end of my shift that Thursday I had told God that I COULD NOT do this alone. I was going to start knocking on doors and I had asked Him who I was even supposed to talk to about this tug and direction I felt like He was leading me into. A lady I knew was in charge of these things came to mind, but I had had zero personal encounters with her before this time. So I had decided I would try and contact here to tell her about what had been going on, and if she knew the next step. I also told God He HAD to make this very clear. This was a step in life I NEVER imagined I would do. NEVER. So it was a big step of faith to even knock on these doors.
I drove home and went to my nephews tball game and after that went into the local bakery where Steve Fowlers daughter was working at the time. I told her a little about what had been going on in my heart lately, but it was all light hearted and not a very deep or serious conversation. Then walks in Steve and Trina. The first thing he asks is "When are you going to the Middle East?" Im sure my jaw dropped to the floor. I started talking really fast about wanting to go back to Nzed, but then feeling lead in international work..and not being sure if NZED was the open door to that, and just praying a lot about all these things. I asked him how he even knew this was something that I felt strongly about..cause not very many people even knew about this. My family, Ben, Jeff and kara and then I had just told Beth. He said that the Holy Spirit had put me on his heart.I was so stoked..my first question was "Who do I talk to about this?" He looked at me strangely and said.."Me, you talk to ME." haha! He said northern Iraq was where he was feeling like I was supposed to go and that he wanted to set me up with Stacey..a single nurse that lived here. He said I could leave that September or coming January. I told him that this wasn't supposed to be a quick trip. That I had been feeling like at least a year..and that I would go anywhere..I didn't care as long as it is where God wants me to go. There was other things said that day with him that I can't share online, but it confirmed even more for me!! I immediately went home and told my Dad. I was worried to tell him for multiple reasons. I knew he wanted to me to go college, and I'm his little girl..hes my best friend, like he's going to let me move to the Middle East for a year. He just looked at me with super gentle eyes I can still see to this day and said "you're my little girl.." but everything else told me I had his blessing, and he would support me in this!! I then called my sister and brother in law. Jim (my brother in law) has spent a lot of time in the Middle East with the US Army..so I wasn't sure what his response was going to be either. He was STOKED for me. He said yup...this is what your supposed to do. They had been praying for me SO much and as soon as I told him he felt like this was right as well. That was another confirmation for me because he's lived in Iraq and seen the negative side of things here..and to have his support was really encouraging to me.
The next Sunday was about the families that have to say goodbye to love ones and the importance of sending people over seas to work. Again, tears. but this time not just from me, but from my mom and loved ones that were realizing this was really happening for me. Ten days later I met with Steve again and he said he was waiting for a response from the field, but he was still feeling Northern Iraq. I was so excited. Not a fear of safety was anywhere, just so much confirmation and excitement that God had heard my prayers and had lead me to do something I never would have dreamt I could or would ever do. The verse that hit me the second week of this craziness is Colossians 4:2. Please keep this in mind as you are thinking and praying for me!
"Devote yourselves to prayer being watchful and thankful. And pray for us too, that, God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should. Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders, make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer to everyone."
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