Resting, and Dreaming.

If you haven't caught on already..I am not the best writer, (spelling, grammar, word choice, ect.) and when I blog..it turns into something like a novel. So hang in there through yet another posting. Last summer was yet another unforgettable summer, but there was some things I had a hard time swallowing. Just another example of God putting me in situations that are out of my comfort zone, and making me trust him instead of people or myself. I was raised to work hard..and to earn what you have. I still think this is a valuable lesson, and one that if the Lord blesses me with children some day I will pass on to them. I am used to working as much as I can and giving my everything into what I'm doing, filling my schedule to the max and making rest the last priority. Last spring I stopped working at Hot off the press the beginning of the summer because it was becoming to much to work all the time, they were slowing way down with scrapbooking orders and didn't need the help as much. I was going to visit family in Canada for two weeks, so I thought this would be a good time to not go into the ware house as often. I work for Golden Valley Farms in the summer time, and this year I was told that I would be able to work in Eastern Oregon for the few weeks before the season started in the valley...So I took off the rest of the summer from Jamba as well. But when I returned from Canada then End of June, the fields were to wet to start work. Working for grass seed farmers means waiting. One day it could be to damp to start work, but the next day its warmer and not as humid so we can get started. So I waited. For about 3-4 weeks. Nothing. I picked up a few shifts here and there at Jamba, but I couldn't commit to a weekly schedule, not knowing what would be happening with the farm. Praise the Lord they are so laid back at Jamba and let me work for them that way. So it was hard to fight stress. I was supposed to have thousands and thousands of dollars in order to move to the Middle East, and I wasn't even working. It was very humbling and a great time to rest in the Lord, and trust that HE will look after the finances and make things happen.

BUT I felt lazy, like I wasn't doing my part. He assured me that being still, and finding time off and resting was what He wanted for me for this season of my life. Once combining started I felt better because I had work, and God was ready to keep teaching me things. Again, we read a lot of books and chatted about them among the crew, I got to know my farmer a lot better, and there were two high school girls on our crew that I got really close with as well. I will never forget when my combine caught on fire on the same day that the bank out wagon full of seed broke and we had to dump the whole thing on the ground in order to fix the problem. I almost hit an idiot while driving my combine through west salem because the truck tried to pass me around a corner. My heart is pounding just thinking about that. But I love that job, Im really going to miss it.

I've had some of the best memories and the best encounters with God from the time in my combine. Who else do you talk to when you have 12 hrs a day by yourself? A big thing that God brought to my attention last summer was His communication through dreams. Since I can remember I have been a dreamer. It is shocking if I sleep through the night without something happening. One sunday this summer we got off work early and I spent the afternoon (like I do every summer during combining season) with my best friend Kristen. Later that night we had two girls over from the youth group for pedicures and movies. Kristen was working on homework while I took the girls down stairs and fell asleep on the couch watching friends. I had a super vivid dream that night. It is long and confusing to explain through this, but basically throughout the dream I felt darkness, and this urgency to be in prayer and to need prayer while I am in the Middle East. I was saying over and over again that the oppression is strong now and it'll be even harder while I'm gone so to be praying for me. There are other things as well, but I woke up cause I spoke something in real life.I don't know what, but it woke me up. I felt weird and I went and shared my dream with Kristen who was still up working on homework. I opened my bible, and the verse I turned to was the Colossians verse that I call "my verse" for being overseas. (colossians 4:2) I couldn't shake the feeling of darkness, and the urgency to pray. I shared that with my mentor and she opened my eyes to the possibility that God could be speaking to me through my dreams. She prayed with me and gave me the number of a lady from our church that is also a dreamer and who would have a lot more knowledge in this area. My eyes were opened to the possibility that God really does talk to us in our dreams. There are so many passages about this in the Old testament of people He approached to in a dream. It is the time when we are the stillest. In our sleep, seeking rest, that is a great time for Him to grab our attention.
  When I met with the lady who is a dreamer and has received many things from the Lord through her dreams, it was a very rich time of prayer and scripture reading. It was a great eye opener. I am still sorting through a lot of dreams and praying through many things..but I know in the Middle East people are having dreams and that is a big way that they are also having their eyes opened to the possibility of something else. (TRUTH). I have had many dreams since then, but only one other one that I woke up sweating and feeling so urgent to pray. That has happened since I've been here and can't go into detail with it online. So please keep praying for us. The oppression is strong here. Pray that while I continue to learn to rest, I will keep hearing from God. And that this will fill me up!

"I am the bread of life..."

"Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty." John 6:35

      My last night at home was spent having dinner with Jim and Kristin's family, packing the last final things into my bag while one of my best friends Krista helped me clean my room and finishing everything. Then a midnight run to Jeff and Kara's to say goodbye. I will never forget the laughs we had that night. Inside jokes about Fula barbie, coconut flakes in the beverages, "kurds," and tears from laughter and from the thought of it being so long until we see each other again. I probably slept 3 hours that night because of excitement and anticipation of what was about to happen. 

     My little brother, Mom and Dad drove me to PDX that next morning and from then on it was just waiting to catch my flight. I got my last Jamba smoothie and pretzel and we just chilled together for what will be the last time for many months. I was sad to leave, but the anticipation was killing me..I just wanted to get on that plane and be there already! No tears were shed when I left, I was ready to go. 

    I met up with Russel, one of the boys from the youth group at home who would also be traveling with me to spend four months working at the center as well. We were one of the last to board the plane from Portland to Chicago. Like any good traveler does, they pack their carry on with the important things for traveling and in case bags go missing through all the chaos of switching flights. When I boarded the plane they said there was no room over head and that they were going to take my bag and check it to my final destination. I am not one to argue with people, especially strangers, especially adults. But I did NOT want my bag to be checked. I tried explaining my situation and that I had everything for the 2 days of traveling TO IRAQ in that bag and if there was anyway I could put it under my seat or take someone else's who would be getting off in Chicago. The lady was very rude and would not budge. She would barely even let me grab the copy of my passport and other important things I needed to keep on me. 

     I knew at that instant that this was the beginning of being stretched, being flexible and taking my go with the flow personality to a level its never been before. 

     The rest of traveling went smoothly. I slept A LOT and had good conversations with all the people I sat next to. I enjoyed the meals they provided and didn't need to take sleeping pills to find rest. I loved the time I had with Jesus and some of the pictures He gave me to comfort me. I was feeling the grieving of saying goodbye starting to set in. In Amman, Jordan we met up with the rest of the Salem team who was coming to run some meetings for the rest of the Kstan team. There I had my last Starbucks drink which was pointless since I usually only drink Vanilla soy chais  from Starbucks, or passionfruit teas and Amman had neither of those, so whatever coffee drink I had, I didn't even like and ended up giving it to Russel. We arrived at our final destination around 4am and it felt so good to finally arrive. 

    I was greeted by my roommate Erin who was nice enough to get up that early to greet me. She showed me where the bathroom was and explained that I can't flush anything down the toilet, I have to throw away my used toilet paper. 

The Kstan Team with the Salem Team
at retreat.
Photo Credit: Sean Oconnor

For the next week It was adjustment time, but in my mind I felt like a visitor. Since the rest of the Salem Team was there, we did all the basic touristy things at the beginning of the week and I was able to take part in them. I felt like I was watching a documentary video on life in Northern Iraq, and like the others I would be going home in a week or so. 

Everything smells different here. The food tastes saltier than I am used to. You can't drink the water from the sinks, and bottled water tastes different. Taxi's are everywhere and the buses look funny. Everywhere I go I get stared at. The call to prayer goes off in the night and during the day. Everything here is based on appearances and reputation. If you aren't careful something could change the way people think of you and what reputation we had could be changed. The first word I learned in Kurdish was Iba which means shameful or shame on you. 

Gorgeous Mountains
Photo Credit: Sean Oconnor

All this adjustment hit me pretty hard the first week. I was a wreck. I wasn't sleeping and it wasn't just because of jet leg. Whenever Steve spoke a message for us, I would cry. As soon as Sean started to lead us in music, I would have uncontrollable sobs. We left the city for a retreat in the gorgeous mountains, and all I wanted to do was be in my room. Thats not like me at all. I pushed myself to play games at night, which I had a blast doing, but initially I just wanted to be in my room. One night I laid in bed and crutched my bible so tightly praying that God would give me strength to make it through that night, because I felt no comfort..just attacks. It was a very, very hard first week. 

The neighborhood baker.

     There was a time though that week where it was just our salem team. There was no one else with us and we did a listening prayer. Trina started crying and said that bread is symbolic and a huge part of culture here. She reminded me of my confirmation in coming here happened in a bakery. The smell of bread is one of the sweetest and best smells that I had smelt that whole first week in being here. And that Jesus is the bread of life. She encouraged me to remember the confirmation every time I smelled bread. And to remember that He is the bread of life! He will never leave me or forsake me! 

A typical looking Nanohana (bakery)

    This is a great word to hear from Trina and brought me joy in remembering the calling to come, and how He has prepared this for me. It is okay to grieve and miss home, but that He would take care of my family back home, and He would take care of me here too. He is the bread of life!!
  I am thankful that God called me here, and I know that He has me here for a reason! I can't wait to see all the things I am going to learn from my time here!

Can I say "WIth you" when you don't show up on time?

    "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:" Ecclesiastes 3:1 Waiting for the Lords perfect timing is hard. At least it is for me. There was a sermon series they did titled "with you." One of the things that stood out to me during a hard season of waiting was "Will I still say "with you" even if He isn't letting things happen at the timing I want them too."   During the fall I was working at the dorm which was hard. Super fun but hard. Everyone was asking me when I would be leaving, how much more money I needed to raise and how I was doing. I really, really appreciated the support..but it was a hard season of waiting on God and not getting discouraged that the answer to those questions were usually "not sure, not much, and okay." I had sent out my support letters in the fall and the money just wasn't coming in. I was praying against discouragement, praying for a miracle, and holding onto His promise that this move is what I was supposed to do. I needed to be at the 75% mark for them to book my tickets, and tickets would be purchased a month from the departure date. So when Christmas rolled around and I was still no where close to being the 75percent mark with my funding, leaving for January was looking less and less likely. I didn't have a job for January since my commitment at the dorm was until Christmas and my bank account was looking pretty slim. But thankfully, once again God provided and gave me no reason to worry about His provision. I got paid for the full month of December from the dorm and was NOT expecting that. And then when I got back from Canada after Christmas with the family, Jamba was in need for someone to close more often so I got back on the schedule for almost full time work right away! It was disappointing that I wasn't going to be in the Middle East when I expected, but God for sure has His ways.

     For the last 5 years or so I have helped out with the C&MA District youth events they put on. They asked me to do their High School retreat in February, But initially I thought I would be gone. By the end of January tickets STILL weren't booked and I a little over a 3rd of where I needed to be financially. They asked if I would intern for DYC (District Youth Conference, as well as putting together their vision for the "fire starter" room. I kept working at Jamba, planned my Zumba fundraiser and took on this next role. Rewind a bit.. There is a great girl I did worship team with named Katie.

She is an incredible woman of God and an AWESOME Zumba instructor. I asked if she would help me and do a Zumba fundraiser to help get me here. So it was planned for the last weekend of January. The weekend before that I was reading about Abraham and Isaac. Abraham was told to sacrifice Isaac and being the man of faith that he was, he went in that direction of obedience to sacrifice his son. But then last minute God provided an alternative sacrifice. This made me think that maybe I wasn't supposed to do this anymore. Maybe because the funds hadn't come in yet, God was saying thank you for being faithful to this point, but I don't want you to go anymore. This didn't sit well with me at all, and I wrestled with this possibility for a couple days. During those two days I let lies from the enemy flood my thoughts. I prayed and prayed for clarification.
     Then one day I was at my mentor's house for a second to drop something off. She asked how I was doing (cause she can read me like a wide open book) and I tried to say I was fine and then burst into tears.  Once I started crying she didn't believe me that I was fine anymore. I brought all the doubt and everything into the light and she prayed with me for clarification. I went home and told God I NEEDED another confirmation, and asked that He wouldn't let me get on a plane unless it was His will for me to spend this time here.
       The next day I got a call for the lady who has been helping me get here and she said I needed to come in immediately, they were ready to book my tickets. I was so confused cause I thought I had thousands to raise to even be at that 75% mark. I called her back the next day and confirmed that I would be ready to leave the beginning of March. Confirmation?? Check. Then Friday was my fundraiser. I woke up being SO filled with Joy from the Holy Spirit. I knew that it was going to be a good day. And all day there was little things brought to my attention of how this has been His leading and in His plan all along. He put me in places years ago that have helped get me to this place. Right before the fundraiser I got a call that my tickets had been booked, I would be flying out of PDX on March 9th! That night at the fundraiser we raised over $800! Confirmation, after confirmation after confirmation!
     Then, three weeks later of super hard work getting ready for this internship and running on average of 3, maybe 4 hrs of sleep a night, DYC happened! The weekend was awesome! I had so much fun running around the Red Lion hotel making sure everything was running smoothly for almost 600 people to grow and enjoy their time at this event. What I didn't know, is every year they take an offering at DYC. The offering has gone to things like Haiti or something like it.

     The day of the offering, the guys I was interning for was acting super funny. I shared that morning in front of everyone about my story and where I was planning on going..and then once I got off the stage they RUSHED me out of the building to go on a Starbucks run. In all the years I have done these retreats the coffee run has been a big deal, but not like it was this time!
      Then, that night Mike was being weird again about collecting the offering and making sure I stayed in the main conference hall to help with that and more importantly that I stayed close to him. I thought it was weird, but at the same time knew this could be a chaotic time. I was in the back after they collected the offering and the other staff members are counting it as fast as they can. I get a letter from one of the students that I didn't know and it talked about wanting to help support me financially, but their family wasn't able to help. She asked that even though we didn't know each other if we could be pen pals. I started tearing up and I wondered if they were giving me the offering. Then the main guy, Erik Williams calls me on stage to give the final amount the offering and Im trying to hold back tears. There they announce that the 2,000 would be going towards my trip!! SHOCKED! and EVERYONE knew!! They had announced it that morning when I left for the coffee run! Then, the next morning I get called on stage again...and I guess there had been more money added later that night and the total had multiplied. Over 5,000 had been given towards my trip!! Praise the Lord!!!! I couldn't stop freaking out with excitement!

Mike and Erik blessed me so much in so many ways that weekend. I was given an opportunity to serve..and not serve, but by planning an event for high school students! I was stretched and had to learn a lot about working with other people and getting tasks done on a deadline and trusting God with the outcome of such a big event. They blessed me by believing in me to help them with the event, and believing in the work I would be doing overseas. These guys are great and I'm so thankful for God's timing and allowing me to stay at home longer to be apart of this event. The next three weeks went by so fast! I finished my job at Jamba and for the first time in 4 years actually QUIT! I spent those weeks packing and being with the people I loved before saying goodbye for such a long time. I was so ready to leave, I didn't really take the time to process the fact that this would be the last time I would see so many amazing people!

My mentor Kara, my sister Kristin, and my Mom threw me a going away party before I came. I was disappointed cause I lost my voice. Kara's husband is the worship leader and he lead a worship set for me that night, and I couldn't even sing with him for the final time. But I was so filled up. I felt so loved that night and was encouraged by all those who believed in me and super stoked at Gods faithfulness in providing for me so much support!! I'll never forget that season of life.

I will continue to say "With You" even through the trials and the testing times.

And I got here, HOW?

So some of you may know this already, some of you may not even know that I moved to the other side of the world...so here is the story of at least the first few steps that got me to where I am now.
       March 11th, 2011 I got home from spending a little less than six months down under. (Read the blogs below about that experience.) I left New Zealand with the option to return in the fall and commit to nine months working with Capernwray's out door adventure program- ABS. I worked two jobs that spring in hopes to save enough to be able to get myself back there by September. When I returned my sister and brother in law encouraged to make sure this was the direction God was leading me in for this next season of my life. They supported me with whatever I would decide and knew the work I would be doing in NZED was awesome, but were having mixed feelings for me to head back there. That spring consisted of working and just waiting on the Lord to reveal to me what His plan was for me. I felt content to just pray and work to see what it could be. For the first time in a long time I hadn't felt stressed about the unknown.
      End of May 2011: During my time with the Lord one Sunday morning, I asked that God would speak to me through the message that day..I didn't ask for any clear answers, but for direction of what the next year could look like for me. Little did I know what the message that morning was about. They showed videos that morning on the history of workers in other countries, and it was interesting but my mind was in a billion places. I almost left early to go get things ready for mothers day, when I remembered what I had asked God that morning. I knew He could use ANY message to speak to me, so I waited. At the end of the videos, Josh Mann got up to share a few things and the only thing I really remember from that is that "God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things." At that moment a well broke inside of me. Jeff brown lead us in worship after that and I was SOBBING. I'm sure most of you know that I am a pretty passionate person which can mean strong emotions quite regularly, but this was a pretty intense bawl fest. The rest of the service was me begging God to use me. It was like as soon as Josh had said that He'll use ordinary people..and insecurities I had had about being used for His glory were brought to surface and He was ready to prove me wrong once again. After crying my face off so much that I couldn't even sing it was so intense, I went and talked to Jeff Brown and told Him that I don't know what it looks like..but I know that I'm supposed to GO. At that point it could be New Zealand and that could be my open door to more overseas work, or something through the Alliance, I just knew I HAD TO GO! I thanked him for using his gifts to lead us to the throne in worship. He prayed for me, and the thing I remember Him praying for was that that day would mark the beginning of the next journey I would be on. I thanked him, but thought to myself, "maybe I'm just being super emotional and this is nothing...like I'll go back to work and this day will be forgotten.  
     I worked that night at Jamba juice-I had to close the store which means at least 2 hours by myself cleaning and making smoothies. I had a lot of time to think and texted a few people to be praying hard for me. I also felt a few attacks that night from the enemy. On my way home from work it was a pretty strong attack I was feeling so I pulled into my friends house who lived on the way home and I told her everything that had happened that day and she started crying. Kaari is not as much of a crier like I am, but she prayed for me and told me not to take this lightly. She had great words of encouragement about listening to God and how she likes how willing I am to stop everything to listen and obey. I felt peace about taking these next steps even though I had NOOO idea what those steps looked like..and I was a little freaked.
    That next Sunday service was moving again as well. I sat next to one of my best friends Ben who has been apart of YWAM and shares the same desire to do this kind of work. I told him part way through the service that if they say anything that week about feeling lead to go, or needing people for this kind of work..that I couldn't ignore it, I would have to go. A couple spoke about work they were doing over seas and at the end of the interview they were asked how we can help them out. The response was urgent: "WE NEED MORE PEOPLE!" You can only guess my reaction to that response. Tears. That week they also prayed for my friend Scott who I have done lots of volunteer work with through the Youth department, and he was getting ready to head overseas as well. I talked to him after the service and asked about his story..how he decided to go. His story was INCREDIBLE. Like doors flung open left and right, only God could have gotten Him to do something like this. I didn't tell him the tugs I had been having on my heart. But he said something to Ben that struck me and made me a little mad and confused, but I kept it to myself. He reminded Ben of the importance of school and getting a college education..which is totally legit. Thats not what made me discouraged...it was that I felt like I was being told to apply for a position that I had no schooling to do, nor did I feel lead to go to school for this season of life. So I asked God why he had put something so heavy on my heart to do...then to tell me I had to go to school first..but I'm not supposed to do school right now???
      I took that Tuesday off of work to rest, talk with my parents, pray and fast! The morning I spent in tears processing a lot of angers and frustrations out loud with my mom. Then the afternoon was spent with doing the same with my Dad and then at least two hours in the upper room with God. It was awesome! I then ended the fast with a delicious meal made by my best friends Kim and Krista who I worked with about 45 minutes outside of Salem, So I went to stay with them for 2 nights and work in Canby. My job those next two days allowed me to listen to speakers on my iPod and talk to God. By the end of my shift that Thursday I had told God that I COULD NOT do this alone. I was going to start knocking on doors and I had asked Him who I was even supposed to talk to about this tug and direction I felt like He was leading me into. A lady I knew was in charge of these things came to mind, but I had had zero personal encounters with her before this time. So I had decided I would try and contact here to tell her about what had been going on, and if she knew the next step. I also told God He HAD to make this very clear. This was a step in life I NEVER imagined I would do. NEVER. So it was a big step of faith to even knock on these doors.
     I drove home and went to my nephews tball game and after that went into the local bakery where Steve Fowlers daughter was working at the time. I told her a little about what had been going on in my heart lately, but it was all light hearted and not a very deep or serious conversation. Then walks in Steve and Trina. The first thing he asks is "When are you going to the Middle East?" Im sure my jaw dropped to the floor. I started talking really fast about wanting to go back to Nzed, but then feeling lead in international work..and not being sure if NZED was the open door to that, and just praying a lot about all these things. I asked him how he even knew this was something that I felt strongly about..cause not very many people even knew about this. My family, Ben, Jeff and kara and then I had just told Beth. He said that the Holy Spirit had put me on his heart.I was so stoked..my first question was "Who do I talk to about this?" He looked at me strangely and said.."Me, you talk to ME." haha! He said northern Iraq was where he was feeling like I was supposed to go and that he wanted to set me up with Stacey..a single nurse that lived here. He said I could leave that September or coming January. I told him that this wasn't supposed to be a quick trip. That I had been feeling like at least a year..and that I would go anywhere..I didn't care as long as it is where God wants me to go. There was other things said that day with him that I can't share online, but it confirmed even more for me!! I immediately went home and told my Dad. I was worried to tell him for multiple reasons. I knew he wanted to me to go college, and I'm his little girl..hes my best friend, like he's going to let me move to the Middle East for a year. He just looked at me with super gentle eyes I can still see to this day and said "you're my little girl.." but everything else told me I had his blessing, and he would support me in this!! I then called my sister and brother in law. Jim (my brother in law) has spent a lot of time in the Middle East with the US Army..so I wasn't sure what his response was going to be either. He was STOKED for me. He said yup...this is what your supposed to do. They had been praying for me SO much and as soon as I told him he felt like this was right as well. That was another confirmation for me because he's lived in Iraq and seen the negative side of things here..and to have his support was really encouraging to me.
      The next Sunday was about the families that have to say goodbye to love ones and the importance of sending people over seas to work. Again, tears. but this time not just from me, but from my mom and loved ones that were realizing this was really happening for me. Ten days later I met with Steve again and he said he was waiting for a response from the field, but he was still feeling Northern Iraq. I was so excited. Not a fear of safety was anywhere, just so much confirmation and excitement that God had heard my prayers and had lead me to do something I never would have dreamt I could or would ever do. The verse that hit me the second week of this craziness is Colossians 4:2. Please keep this in mind as you are thinking and praying for me!

 "Devote yourselves to prayer being watchful and thankful. And pray for us too, that, God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should. Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders, make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer to everyone."